Adventures of JARVIS
by DeadWoman
Summary: one-shot about a regular day in the life of Tony Stark's robotic butler.


_This was just a weird idea I had one day. Okay? Okay. Pokessassin will get that. Okay. _

"Good morning, sir!" JARVIS said cheerfully as Tony staggered into the kitchen. "Sir, you look a bit-"

"It's nothing, JARVIS. Just a light shot competition with America's Most Loved Man last night." Tony said and sat down at the table. He looked at the coffee machine.

"Sir, would you like me to turn on the coffee machine?" JARVIS said.

"Yes please."

JARVIS did so. The coffee machine beeped and started producing fresh vanilla coffee in the mug that had been placed there in preparation last night by Pepper. "And may I say sir that you do remember that Mr Rogers can't get drunk?"

"Yes. I do." Tony snapped and got his coffee.

"So why did you engage in a _shot battle_ with him?"

"Because he was announced America's Most Loved Man in hundreds of magazines. Every magazine and newspaper in the damn shops have his face on. And he got an invite to ten chat shows and is guest starring in a reality TV show! He doesn't even watch them or know what they are!"

"What a shame sir. Is the coffee to standard?"

"It is a shame! A bloody shame! I can't believe that I'm not America's Most Loved Man! I create life, well I created YOU!" Tony complained.

"And I am grateful, sir." JARVIS said calmly. "I sense someone coming. Do you want me to see who it is?"

"Oh yes please. Wouldn't want to be caught in here with Captain Loved One bragging. And if it is that insufferable idiot please distract him while I escape." Tony sighed.

"Of course sir." JARVIS said and switched to the hallway. "Good morning, Mr Rogers, I trust you have had a pleasant sleep."

"Oh, yes it was delightful thank you." Steve looked up, immediately fixing on a polite smile. JARVIS sighed. The Avengers and visitors to Stark Towers always got very wary when JARVIS tried to make friends.

"Have you seen Tony, JARVIS? I want to say sorry. I shouldn't have accepted his shot challenge when he was clearly inebriated already and I am physically unable to drink."

"Oh, he was in the kitchen but I'm not sure now. He wanted to go shopping for a new suit so I expect he has gone by now. Would you like me to send him a message?"

"No thank you." Steve said. "Well I'd better grab some water if me and Clint are going to train. He gets very energetic."

JARVIS let out a chuckle. "I know. He does dive around like an excited dolphin." JARVIS said but Steve had already gone into the kitchen and was probably unable to hear him. JARVIS sighed.

He switched to the kitchen in time to see Steve grab a water bottle from the fridge and then left after a quick look at Tony's abandoned coffee.

Thor entered next and JARVIS started paying attention again. He was bored and Thor always made for good entertainment. Thor _alone _was even better because he did some Asgardian things that made JARVIS laugh.

Thor looked round and peered into Tony's coffee mug. "What a strange concoction." Thor said and put his finger into the liquid. "Still warm." Then he got the mug and dropped it in the sink as an attempt to clean up. It chipped slightly but otherwise remained intact. JARVIS let out a sigh of relief. Pepper got very angry when Thor tried to clean. Things got broken. "What's Tony got in his cold heaven?" Thor wondered out loud and opened the fridge door. JARVIS knew that Tony hadn't got much. He would probably make Pepper or Bruce do some online food shopping later once he realised that he had nothing to eat. When he remembered to eat.

"Brother? What are you doing?" Loki had wandered in. JARVIS scowled. He did not like Loki, this trickster had jammed his system much to Tony's anger. Loki had been sent from Odin to live out a year here with the Avengers. Luckily he had restricted magic but he was still infuriating.

"I am looking for my morning meal, Loki. Perhaps you want me to find you something?" Thor asked.

"No thanks, Thor." Loki sneered. "I do not eat these strange human foods. Coloured cereal?" Loki had opened a cupboard and held up a box of cereal. He dropped it and it spilt all over the floor. Thor just sighed and walked over to the other cupboard for some bread. He ground some cereal into the floor with his boots and JARVIS winced.

"Toast is delicious!" Thor told him and poked the toaster. "Although I am not sure how you work this infernal device just yet. Dr Banner or Stark normally do it for me."

"I know how to turn it on." Loki said proudly and flicked the switch. The lights turned off, leaving the gods in darkness. JARVIS was just about to turn them back on when Thor made a grumbling noise.

"Dastardly electricity. Always shutting off." Thor said. "Does this mean the toaster will not work?"

"No. I presume not." Loki said and 'accidentally' knocked over a chair. JARVIS examined the whole building and decided that yes, they did have a power cut. Natasha gave a little yell and JARVIS immediately switched from the kitchen to her bedroom. Miss Romanoff was sat up in bed, breathing heavily, and switching her lamp on and off.

"Miss Romanoff," JARVIS began and she jumped with another shriek.

"God, JARVIS! You scared me. Sorry. Call me Natasha."

"Of course, Natasha. I apologise. There is no electricity I'm afraid and as there is a storm raging in New York, we are in for a dark day." JARVIS explained the sudden darkness.

"Oh." Natasha looked scared for a second. "Where's Tony? Can't he make something to turn the lights on? And how can I take a shower or charge my phone?"

"You can't, I'm afraid. Mr Stark is out at the moment. Thor and Loki are in the kitchen, Pepper is at a day spa again and Mr Barton and Mr Rogers are training."

"And Dr Banner?"

"I'm not, I'm not sure." JARVIS quickly visited Bruce's room but he wasn't there. He went back to Natasha's room.

She was looking round, panicked. "Did you go then?" she asked.

"Yes, Dr Banner isn't in his room."

"Please don't leave me." Natasha said. JARVIS smiled to himself. How refreshing.

"I won't, Natasha. I promise."

The door suddenly opened and Bruce was smiling at Natasha. "Honey! The power is out so I thought I'd come find you because I know you don't like the dark." Bruce ran up to her and kissed her cheek.

"Ah, Dr Banner," JARVIS said jealously. "I was just about to go find you for Miss Romanoff."

"Oh thanks JARVIS." Bruce said. Natasha gave a weak smile.

"Please can you go tell Clint to go to the kitchen? I don't want him training in the dark. I know he'll hurt himself." Natasha said. JARVIS went to the training room and saw Steve and Clint throwing punches.

"Mr Rogers, Mr Barton, Natasha was worried about you training in the dark. There has been a power cut." JARVIS said loudly.

Clint jumped and looked up. "Thanks, JARVIS."

"You're welcome." JARVIS said then went to an empty room for some time alone. He wished that Bruce hadn't come back so quickly. Then he felt stupid. He was a _robot. _He did not get feelings. Suddenly the door to the room opened and two people came in, arguing. Pepper and Tony.

"I can't believe you didn't pay the bill!" Tony yelled. JARVIS felt he should leave but he didn't know if Tony would need his assistance or not.

"I told you that you needed to start taking responsibility for Stark Tower and your business!" Pepper yelled back.

"When?"

"Monday! I told you that I would not do your accounts or pay your bills or do anything! I warned you!"

"You didn't tell me that the power would go off!"

"Too bad, Tony!"

"There's a storm out there, Pepper! It's too dark!"

"That's what torches are for!"

"Pepper! Natasha is afraid of the dark! This is not funny!" Tony shouted.

"I never said it was, Tony. In fact, I quit!"

"You quit?"

"I quit! I'm fed up of being your babysitter and cleaner and cook and PA!"

"Pepper!"

"I will still be your girlfriend because I love you. I still love you, Tony, but you really are a pain in the ass! I don't want to look after you all day, every day! I don't even get a day off because I _live _here! I'm going to get my own place, maybe get another job as someone else's PA."

"Pepper..."

"Don't Pepper me!" Pepper screamed and walked out, scowling. Tony groaned and slumped onto a chair then looked up at the ceiling.

"JARVIS?" he didn't sound angry so JARVIS coughed anxiously.

"Yes, sir?"

"You heard all that didn't you?"

"Yes sir."

"Please convince Pepper to not quit."

"I'll try sir."

JARVIS went to Pepper and Tony's bedroom where Pepper was throwing clothes into a suitcase. "Pepper please stay."

"JARVIS! Butt out!" Pepper said angrily.

"You and Tony are like my parents, Pepper. Tony loves you. He really does. And-" JARVIS paused. "And he asked me to look up jewellery shops nearby."

"So? So he's going to buy me a necklace or something to get me back?"

"He asked me this a couple of days ago. And he asked me if the jewellers could specialise in rings. Diamond rings."

"Rings?" Pepper stopped packing.

"Yes. Rings." Thor suddenly boomed from near the door. Pepper jumped as the Avengers plus Loki walked in. Tony was last, grinning.

He went down on one knee and Pepper squealed. Loki winced at the sound.

"Pepper, will you marry me?" Tony asked.

"Yes! Yes!" Pepper squealed again as Tony slid the ring on her finger. Bruce quietly removed the suitcase from the bed.

"Why you doing that?" Steve asked. Bruce looked at Tony and Pepper who were passionately kissing.

"I think they need the bed." Bruce smirked.

"Ew. Gross!" Steve said and ran off. Bruce gave Tony the thumbs-up and made everyone else leave. JARVIS went to the kitchen with them.

"Would you like me to order a pizza in?" JARVIS asked.

"Uh yes please. Pepperoni?" Bruce suggested.

"No! Hawiian!" Thor said.

"Margarita." Loki said.

"Ugh boring. Spicy chicken with extra peppers." Clint said.

"BBQ chicken and sweetcorn." Steve said. Everyone looked at him.

"Sounds reasonable." Natasha shrugged.

"Sounds good." Clint frowned.

JARVIS dialled the pizza place and ordered for BBQ chicken before anyone could change their mind.


End file.
